If your male ancestor died before his wife and you can’t find her in death records, consider the possibility that she married after his death. There may be no family tradition of a subsequent marriage and records would be tied to the last name of the later husband.
Maybe the reason she went “poof” after her husband died was because she remarried.
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I have had pretty good luck tracking down widows (knocking on wood). One of the best clues is to follow the children, then look in the same neighborhood. You may see someone that looks like it could be the widow, then you can start looking for a marriage record or deed to add evidence that she is _your_ widow. If young children are involved, they may be using their stepfather’s name, so you have to examine the family carefully for ages and given names. Sometimes tedious, but always worth the effort.